Elders: Expectations for the spouse
BEFORE YOU READ
AFTER YOU READ
DOCUMENTS AND LINKS
In these last two posts we will be exploring some additional things to consider for those who are thinking about becoming elders. These considerations are not specifically listed in the Bible’s three main passages on elders, but they can be determine the effectiveness of an elder nonetheless, and are based on biblical principals.
Can the elder’s spouse support them in their role?
Eldership is a ministry role that often involves knowing the inner workings of the church, both the bad and the good. We are often the ones who see the turmoil in our congregation’s marriages and families. We see people acting in ways that do not honor Jesus, whether it be sexual or financial. Being privy to the things that are not always open knowledge can cause us to become frustrated, cynical, and bitter if we are not careful. The same can be said for our spouse.
It's for this reason that a potential elder’s spouse needs to be growing in spiritual maturity.
While the qualifications for eldership are not held up by Paul and Peter for the spouse, I have heard it said that those standards are worth pursuing for every single Christian, because they are characteristics of Jesus. It would be wise to go through the scriptures and evaluate the character of the potential elder’s spouse to see where they are growing in their faith and where they have areas that need to be addressed.
We don't have time to unpack all of the qualifications, but I'd like to look at a few that I feel like are potential areas for struggle for a spouse. These areas may result in a spouse having difficulty being a support to the potential elder candidate.
Is their spouse gentle and not quick-tempered, or quarrelsome?
Do they interact with people well and seem to genuinely care for them? Do they tend to come across as abrasive and seem to be "misunderstood"?
Is there harmony or conflict associated with their name when you bring it up to others?
Is their spouse a recent convert or disengaged?
Paul warns Timothy not to let a recent convert become an elder because there is danger in their pride getting the best of them. Here is my experience. Many new believers are black and white thinkers when it comes to the Bible, relationships, and the Church. They believe there is a single right way and a wrong way to do things, based on their limited understanding of scripture and limited experience balancing the tension between grace and truth.
The reason that this is probably wise to apply to the spouse of an elder is that if they are a recent convert or spiritually immature, they will also be black and white thinkers. They will be aware of some of the things that the elders are doing and working through. This can make it hard for the elder to make the decision they feel is right, because they know their spouse disagrees with them. This can cause tension or fights in the home when the less spiritually mature spouse feels like they're being disregarded or told they're wrong.
Becoming an elder means serving in a role that Satan often targets. Satan tries to destroy the family of God by stirring up people against them. He targets not only elders, but their families.
An elder needs to be married to someone who has weathered some spiritual storms and has come out of those storms with a strong foundation.
If the spouse of a potential elder has a faith that is relatively new or is immature, there is a danger of what Jesus refers to when he tells the parable of the seeds and the soil. Their faith may be plucked away by Satan or may be scorched or choked out as they watch believers act in ways that are not loving and kind toward its leaders.
It's also important that an elder’s spouse is actively engaged in the life of the congregation.
Paul, in his letter to the Corinthians, says "I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided." While Paul is primarily talking about the benefits of those who are single to be able to devote their time to serving God in the church, it also gives us a principle for those who aspire to be leaders in the church.
Imagine someone who deeply wants to serve in the church, but their spouse is not engaged or involved. They will find their interests divided. They want to focus on the ministry they're doing, but may be preoccupied with how their spouse is feeling while they are separated. Over time, there becomes a danger of feeling like you have to choose between your spouse or serving your church.
Now, imagine a leader whose spouse is also involved in the life of the church. The spouse sees the needs of the church and can offer their perspective. Much like the language that God used to describe Eve, our spouse should be a "helper". Our spouse should be someone who comes alongside us and helps us do what we cannot do on our own. A spouse should be working in tandem with an elder, working as a united team and supporting each other, both in the home and in the church home. Together, they set an example for the rest of the church. They exemplify the fact that ministry is most effective when it involves the entire family.
