External qualifications (Part 2)
In previous posts, we've been making our way through what the Bible has to say about what a potential elder’s leadership in his family and in his church should look like. We've covered the roles and responsibilities, the calling of an elder, and the internal qualifications that are listed in the Bible. Internal qualifications simply focus on whether the heart, mind, and emotions of a person have been transformed by the good news of Jesus and the work of the Holy Spirit. Are these potential elders being led by Jesus?
If so, then it should affect their external relationships with others. The first and most important of those relationships, if they are married, is with their spouse. This is their first area of ministry.
The next most important area of ministry and discipleship that a potential elder should show leadership in is in their relationship with their children.
Family- children are believers
Titus 1:6
Why is this so important? The Church is simply a larger version of the family unit. How well you lead in the smaller space of your own family is indicative of how well you will lead in the larger church family. In Matthew 25 Jesus tells a parable about people who are entrusted with something small. They are then given responsibility over much larger things. This is true in money as well as with relationships. Jesus also said in Matthew 28 that the responsibility of every Christian is to make disciples. If we are able to help make disciples in our own home, then we will be more likely to accomplish the mission of the Church to make disciples.
Again, we need to practice discernment when examining the lives of a potential elder’s children. First, we cannot make or force our children to love and follow Jesus. This shows a severe lack of understanding when it comes to the gospel. I'm not sure where the phrase comes from, but it's true none the less. It goes something like this: “We can't cause the fire of God's Spirit to fall in the lives of our children, but we can stack the wood so that there's something ready to burn when it does." If someone who is being considered for eldership has children, do they have a history of stacking the wood of God's word in their children's lives?
Additionally, children are a reflection of their parents’ lives. Those in our homes see us in ways that most others don't. They see both the good and the bad and all the things we can keep hidden from others who live outside of our homes. That means our children will be molded and shaped by our examples. If a child has a love and knowledge of the Bible, that usually means they have a parent who loves and knows their Bible. If a child loves God's people and wants to gather with them on Sundays, it usually means they have a parent who values and prioritizes going to church and worshipping. A child who has no problem discussing spiritual matters or talking about Jesus has most likely been raised in a home where Jesus is talked about often. Our children are like little mirrors that show the world what their parents value and commit themselves to, and what the spiritual leadership is like in the home. As proscribed in Deuteronomy 6, discipleship in the home is God's intention. It is an expectation of those who serve as leaders in God's family as well.
I have one last thought on this. A parent who has patiently walked their child through giving their life to Jesus and then helped them grow in that process, will have a better idea of what that will look like when working with adults. An elder who has worked with his child will have more patience with others as they walk through the process of spiritual maturity. Growing a person to spiritual maturity takes time and patience, just like raising children to adulthood does.
Family- keeping their children submissive
Titus 1:6, Timothy 3:4-5
Submission is a difficult attitude for every single human heart to grasp. We are all born with the sinful tendency to want to be our own authority. Learning submission in the home is critical for the flourishing of children, the Church, and the world. A child who does not learn to submit to authority from their parents will end up in opposition to all other authorities, whether inside the local church or outside of it. Paul gives an example of how submission should be modeled, especially in the home. First, every believer is to submit to Christ, just like Christ submitted to both his heavenly father and to his earthly parents. (Refer to Luke 2:51, John 6:38) In order for children to learn submission, they should see it in the lives of their parents as the parents are submitting to Jesus. Do they see their parents giving them instruction based on the Bible, but not living by those same standards themselves? Is living by God's word a joy to their parents or is it a duty and drudgery? Are their parents hearers and doers of the word?
Next, children should see submission modeled in the marriage relationship. Are their parents mutually submitting to each other? Or are there power struggles in the marriage? (Ephesians 5) How do their parents speak about each other? If one parent disrespects the other verbally or physically, there will be a problem teaching their children to respect authority. On the other hand, when there is love and respect present in the home, submission in marriage and in their children will flourish.
Just like in the marriage relationship, submission cannot be coerced. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. If you see a family where the children are either rebelling or timid, it is a warning sign of a parent who is legalistic or aggressive at home. Submission is not blind obedience. It is obedience based on the trust that the one in authority is loving and wants the best for them. Another warning sign to look for is how conflict is managed in the home. If you see children who are argumentative and combative, then they have observed that way of dealing with conflict in their parents.
As in each of these areas, we have to make sure that we exercise discernment and not make black and white judgement calls. For example, what if a potential elder has teenage children that are behaving in rebellious ways? This may be an indicator of a lack of exercising appropriate authority over them when they were younger or not modeling submission well for them in their younger years. On the other hand, the children’s behaviors may not reflect parenting styles. It may be that it simply isn't the right season for that parent to be considering eldership. It may be necessary to step away from eldership to be able to focus more on loving and guiding their family.
Additionally, what if a potential elder has grown children who are living ungodly or rebellious lives? What if the potential elder was not a believer when they were raising their children, but then came to faith after their children had already been formed by unbelieving parents? What if the children were raised by good Christian parents, but have simply made their own sinful choices after they left the home? There is no hard and fast answer. There should be time allowed for discussing these dynamics. However, Paul’s general rule of thumb is that submissive children are an indicator of parents who are submitted to Jesus.
Family- managing their household well
1 Timothy 3:4-5
The word used here is "oikos", which can include both the people of the family as well as the actual home they inhabit together. A good question that frames this well is, “Is the home life healthy?" Are the finances of the home healthy? Is the family routine organized in a way that brings health and harmony? Is the family being led toward Jesus together? Paul says if you can lead a your home in a healthy way, then you can lead your church home in a healthy way.
Let's begin with healthy home finances. How our money is spent is an indicator of our priorities. When a family is in significant debt, it usually shows a lack of self-control and a lack of contentment. We want things we don't have, so we put them on credit. Another reason that managing the family finances is so important is because debt and finances are one of the major reasons people cite for divorcing. When families are struggling to pay their bills because they have been bad stewards of the money that they have been entrusted with, it leads to arguments and breakdowns in relationship.
Conversely, a family who manages its money well is one that lives within its means, is pursuing being debt free, and is able to be generous. Those are the kind of people who can be trusted with the finances that are given by those who support the church. Additionally, someone who is leading the finances of the family is going to make sure that giving to the work of God is modeled to their children.
The next question is whether the family’s time and routine is being managed well. Our culture is filled with anxiety and stress because we have not learned how to say “no” to good things so that we have space for God's things. Families are constantly rushing from activity to activity. The pace is often unhealthy and leads to burnout. God instituted the Sabbath first as an invitation (Genesis 2), then as a commandment (Exodus 20). He knew we would have a problem with filling our time with “doing”. In his writings on Sabbath, George Muller says "Because we do not rest, we lose our way... Poisoned by the hypnotic belief that good things come through unceasing determination and tireless effort, we never truly rest. And for the want of rest, our lives are in danger." In order for our families to be healthy, we need to look at our schedules and see if there is a balance between work and play, activity and rest, focus on ourselves and focus on God.
Community- must be thought well of by outsiders
1 Timothy 3:7
The final qualification listed in the external characteristics of an elder is how they are perceived outside of their family and outside of their church. The rest of the description says, "so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap." The news is littered with stories of pastors and leaders who have failed morally and fallen in disgrace. You hear of pastors having affairs, mismanaging money, or having an explosive temper. The devil wants nothing more than to knock a Christian leader down and use them as an example to the world that Jesus is not real and that the Church is a sham.
On the other hand, Jesus told us in Matthew 5:16 to, "let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." When the world looks at the leaders in the Church, they should have a crystal clear idea of what a Christian is like. Peter tells us to, "live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. (1 Peter 2:12) The leaders should live in such a way that even if they are accused of unChrist-like character, people will have a hard time believing the accusations.
Here's an example. I remember meeting with someone who was not part of our church, and the name of someone we both knew in common came up. It was obvious that this person struggled with what they knew of their character. I was surprised, because what I had seen of them didn't match what I was hearing. The point is that it is possible to appear one way to people at church where you are around them for 1 or 2 days a week and then the rest of the community see a different side to them.
The opposite is also true. Dallas Willard writes in his incredible book The Divine Conspiracy Continued that someone who is truly under the control of Jesus should take that character of Christ into their schools, workplace, and hobbies, and should be the very best at what they do. They are trustworthy, hardworking peacemakers in the communities that they are part of. They are bringing the kingdom of God outside of the walls of the Sunday gathering and showing others what it looks like to worship Jesus everywhere they go. This should result in having a reputation in the community for making things better everywhere they go.
